Thursday, June 16, 2011

Asaiva Jokes-1

    நெட்டில் சுட்டது தான்: 

    • A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.''Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At  Last.' '

    • A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my  husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.''My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.''The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

    • The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

    • Who was the first accountant? A man who  got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, 
    • lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

      • Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"
              His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."
                Little Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets   
                better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

        • Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."
               Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and 
                see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."  
                About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of 
                yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. 
                 Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a   bloody   
                 nose comes Mr. Smith.
                    Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you?  
                    Did you ask her like I told you?"
                      "Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and 
                       she did.
                         Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee 
                         thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."

                      • A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
                              One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & 
                              didn't tell the husband.
                                That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: 
                                Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
                                  The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights 
                                 off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but           
                                  quickly got on top of her...
                                     When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect 
                                     to find me in this bed,    did you? And then she switched on the 
                                       No madam, said the gardener…

                                    • In a Park, a sardharji asked another sardharji:  “Are you relaxing?”.  The other Sartharji Promtely shoot back " shut up.. “I am Guruparan singh”
                                    • A Sardharji told to a Doctor: "Doctor my wife is pergnant.        She   is having pain right now.  Doctor: Is this her first child? Sardar: No this is her husband 
                                    •     A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the  older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"  The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."   With that the husband passed away. The wife then   muttered,  "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." 
                                    • There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her  grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about   those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you  are going to like that, but don't let him do that."  She   continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you   are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is   going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are   going to like that, but don't let him do that.   Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he  is going  to try to get on top of you and have his way  with you. You are   going to like  that, but don't let him      do that. It will disgrace the  family."   With that bit of  advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her   date and could not wait to tell her  grandmother about  it.  The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just  as the old lady said.  She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him  disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top  of him and disgraced his family."
                                    • GIRL Puts Her Fingers Near HOTEL MANAGER’S Lips.MANAGER Kisses n sucks Each Finger, ………….. GIRL: Tell Ur BOSS There Is No Tissue Paper In ur TOILET
                                    •  When SHE cancels a date, it is because.. “SHE HAS TO”  But When HE cancels a date, it is because.. “HE HAS    TWO”  
                                    •  In a Chemistry class teacher asked a girl what is “Nitrate” ? After a short thinking she replied  Sir,  Rs.1500/=
                                    • Girl:It’s too tight
                                             Boy: Don’t worry; I’ll do it slowly,         Gal: Push it in,

                                             Boy:Ah..I can’t,         Gal: It’s painful, Boy:Forget it...
                                             We’ll buy new WEDDING RING!

                                    •  Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!”  Banta: No! It’s my HELLO TUNE!
                                    •  Q: Why are Egyptian’s Children always confused?
                                            A: Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.


                                    Husband texts to wife on cell."Hi, what r u doing Darling?"Wife: I'm dying..!Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair…"Husband: "Bloody English Language!”

                                    2. An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. “Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free.”After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
                                    3. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems,No TV serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.On the way home..Husband: What did the doctor say ?Wife:- No chance for u to survive.
                                    4. ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So MuchThat Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"
                                    5. Woman Buys A New SIM Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..
                                    6. Cool Message by a woman:Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children,I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
                                    7. A kid was beaten by his mom.Dad came n asked - what happen son?Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.
                                    8. On an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..
                                    9. Throwing knives on wife's picture a husband, All were missing the target!Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"His honest reply, "MISSING U"
                                    10. When a married man says "I'll think about it",What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..
                                    11. Wife: Do you want dinner?Husband: Sure, what are my choices?Wife: Yes and no.

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